Know When to Intervene
Note: If you see, hear, or suspect that someone is in immediate danger, call 911 immediately.
While the responsibility for domestic violence or sexual assault lies with the perpetrators of these crimes, we all play a role in creating a culture of respect and preventing violence.
Some bystanders may witness an actual incident of abuse or sexual violence that’s already occurring—like someone at a bar who sees a drunk person being taken advantage of, or someone who hears screaming coming from a neighbor’s home. In this case, being an engaged bystander may mean intervening in violence that’s already occurring.
But speaking up and interrupting an abusive situation that’s already occurring is only a tiny part of bystander intervention.
How You Can Be An Engaged Bystander
Here are some “bystander scenarios” with tips to help you take an active role in safely preventing and interrupting situations that may lead to sexual assault and domestic violence.
Leading up to every incident of abuse or sexual assault are all kinds of behaviors, words, and actions that normalize and condone violence in a community. Even actions like a sexist joke or victim-blaming remark contribute to a culture in which domestic and sexual violence is tolerated and not treated with the gravity and urgency that these crimes deserve.
The good news is that if we all view ourselves as engaged bystanders and learn strategies for speaking up to challenge the social norms that contribute to the culture of violence, all of us can play an active role in ending domestic and sexual violence.
Recognizing the signs of the behaviors that may signal domestic or sexual violence or circumstances that may lead to these crimes is a critical first step to taking action to prevent violence. Once you identify when to respond, you can then identify how to respond in a way that feels appropriate and comfortable.
TIP: Follow your instincts. If a situation feels wrong to you, it probably is. One way to decide is to ask yourself, “If I don’t act, could the situation get worse?” IF YES, then you should evaluate the best way to intervene.
Ask yourself if it's safe to intervene.
Safety is key in deciding when and how to respond to domestic and sexual violence while it’s occurring. If the situation is already violent or looks like it’s escalating quickly, don’t directly intervene. Call 911(or your national police service).
If you’ve decided that you can safely intervene, you can create a distraction in an indirect and non-confrontational way. You can disrupt the situation by talking, like striking up a conversation about anything to help keep a potentially dangerous situation from escalating. Your goal is to prevent a situation from getting worse, or better yet, buy enough time to check in with the potential victim and ask them if they are okay.
Distract
Ask for directions, the time, help looking for a lost item, or anything else that you think might keep them from leaving quickly. Better yet, if you can use a distraction that will get you a moment alone with the victim, you may have a moment to check with him/her and see if he/she wants any help. “Hey, I think your car is getting towed outside. I will stay here with your friend while you check it out.” “Hey, do you mind if I steal my friend for a second? It’s an emergency.”
Direct
If you don’t have a lot of time, you can still speak out and say what’s happening isn’t right and reassure the mistreated person they don’t deserve these actions. If you feel comfortable approaching the victim, you could check in and simply say, “I’m concerned about what just happened. Is anything wrong?” You can also let them know that FREE and CONFIDENTIAL help is available for victims, their children & pets.
Delegate
If you don’t feel comfortable directly talking with someone or distracting them, look for someone else who might be able to help you intervene –strength in numbers can be one of the most valuable tools, or you can look for someone else who might be in a better position to get involved – i.e. tell the bouncer, find the person’s friends, or call the authorities.
Prevention is Key
Before going out, create an exit strategy for uncomfortable situations—whether it’s checking in via text messages, creating a signal for a friend to swoop in if a conversation gets intense, or formulating an exit plan when the party’s over. Chat about different scenarios and how you want to respond.
Identify why you're worried.
If you see something that makes you uneasy, identify the behavior that worries you. Is your friend drinking too much, and are you afraid she/he might not be able to say no? Are you afraid that they could potentially fail to recognize that the other party is too drunk to consent? Remember, if the person seeking sex is intoxicated, they have a decreased ability to recognize the capacity of the other party to give consent — the inability to perceive capacity does not excuse the behavior of the person who begins the sexual interaction or tries to take it to another level. Failure to recognize that the victim was too drunk to consent is not just “drunk sex.” It’s sexual assault.
Consider whether to intervene.
A situation doesn’t have to be escalating for you to step in. Of course, if you see someone getting hurt or worried someone might be violent, don’t handle it solo. Call 911. However, we should also recognize that “shades of gray” or situations are hard to read—like at a party or a bar where something might be concerning but is not yet crossing the line. When something doesn’t feel right, ask yourself: ‘How might the situation affect the people who are involved? What’s the possible outcome? Could the situation get worse if you don’t do anything?” IF YES, then evaluate the best way to respond.
Tip
Think of the “event” as being on a continuum that ranges from healthy, age-appropriate, respectful, and safe behaviors to sexual abuse, rape, and violent behaviors. Between the ends are other behaviors, including those that begin to feel inappropriate, coercive, and harassing. These mid-range behaviors present an opportunity to intervene and reinforce positive behaviors BEFORE a behavior moves further along the continuum into something violent. – via NSVRC’s Engaging Bystanders in Sexual Violence Prevention Boolket by Joan Tabachnick.
Decide on a course of action.
There are many ways you can step in when something isn’t right. Stepping in can make all the difference, but remember never to put your own safety at risk.
Other methods of stepping in could be:
DISTRACT
You can disrupt the situation just by talking, like striking up a conversation about anything. Your goal is to prevent a situation from getting worse, or better yet, buy enough time to check in with the potential victim and ask them if they are okay.
DIRECT
Ask directly if they are okay or need help or someone to stay with them. You can ask if they’re ready to leave or if they’d like to grab a bite with you to help remove them from an uncomfortable situation.
DELEGATE
This is key. Enlisting allies, like another mutual friend, can defuse the situation much more smoothly than trying to go it alone. You can also look for someone else who might be in a better position to get involved – i.e. tell the bouncer, find an RA, look for the person’s friends, or call the authorities.
Intervening can be tough if you feel like your actions have to be a major act of heroism, like fending off an attacker. But there’s more than one way to help, whether it’s as subtle as talking with a friend about concerning behavior or planning ahead to leave a party safely. All of these conversations set a tone: Your friends will know that you’re a safe person to confide in and that there are clear boundaries worth respecting.
NO MORE. Know When to Intervene... Used by permission.
Know How to Respond...
Scenario: You think a friend or family member is in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. What do you do?
Once you recognize the warning signs that a situation might be abusive, you can then identify how to respond in a way that feels appropriate and comfortable.
Talk privately with the victim.
Express concern by saying you’ve been worried about them. Listen without judgment and if they don’t want to talk, then let them know that you’ll be there for them if they ever do want to talk.
Tip: Enable the survivor to make their own decisions.
Personal style, culture, and context of the survivor’s life may affect their reactions. A survivor may not be comfortable identifying as a victim or naming their experience as abuse or assault, and it is essential to respect each person’s choices and style of coping with this traumatic event.
Listening without judgment may make them feel comfortable opening up.
If they do disclose abuse, let them know you believe them. You can reassure them that they are not alone, this is not their fault, and you are here to help. Some useful things to say might be, “No one deserves to be treated this way,” “You are not to blame,” or “What’s happening is not your fault.”
Tip: It's essential to focus on the feelings and reactions of the survivor.
Remember that although you may be having a strong reaction to what happened, it’s essential to focus on the feelings and reactions of the survivor rather than your own. Try not to outwardly judge or confront the abuser, as it may make the situation worse or more dangerous for the victim and could put you in danger too.
Offer options
Let them know free, confidential resources are available and that you are here to support them in whatever choices they make. National hotline services include the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233 (www.thehotline.org), RAINN for support with sexual assault on 1.800.656 4673 (HOPE) https://www.rainn.org/ and loveisrespect for younger survivors on 1.866.331.9474 (www.loveisrespect.org or text ‘loveis’ to 22522). They can offer you guidance and point you to local resources in your area that will help keep you and your children safe.
Tip: Offer to help with the practical stuff.
Offer to let them use your phone or computer to look up local resources or contact someone who can help them and any children involved.
Your friend tells you that they were raped. What do you do?
The support survivors of sexual assault receive from the people they love, and trust can be invaluable to their ability to cope with and heal from sexual assault.
Listen
Allow your friend to talk about what happened and control the direction of the conversation. Don’t ask a lot of questions or focus on the attack itself, but instead on how they are handling the trauma.
Listen Without Giving Advice or Trying to “Fix” Things
When we care for someone, we often try to give advice, solve their problems or fix things for them. While it comes from a place of caring, our instinct to try to problem-solve or give advice can sometimes leave a survivor feeling as though their emotions are being dismissed. Sometimes, the issues a survivor is having will not feel fixable to them or to you, and it’s much more helpful to just be there to listen to whatever a survivor wants to share with you.
Let the Survivor Have Control
Allow survivors to make decisions for themselves and assure them that their decisions are supported. You don’t have to agree with their decisions but it is important to give them the authority to decide how they will handle things.
Believe Them
It is important that the survivor knows you believe what happened.
Normalize A Survivor’s Feelings
Every survivor will react to their experience differently. Survivors may experience many upsetting, conflicting, confusing feelings after an assault. Survivors often re-experience the event through flashbacks, may feel on edge all the time, or may be prone to sudden outbursts, which can feel incredibly upsetting and leave a survivor feeling even more disempowered. Some survivors may blame themselves for and feel frustrated by these intense feelings. It’s essential to remind a survivor these feelings and responses are out of their control and are the body’s way of responding to a traumatic event. Something helpful you could say would be, “You are having a normal response to an abnormal situation.“
Provide Unconditional Support
It will help your friend to hear that they are not to blame for the assault. Regardless of an individual’s choices prior to the attack, no one ever asks to be or deserves to be raped or sexually assaulted.
Be Patient
Healing takes time, and every survivor copes with trauma differently. Don’t pressure or rush your friend to be “normal” or to “just move on.” Instead, reassure them that support from you will be available throughout the healing process, however long it may take.
Let The Survivor Know that Help is Available
If they are interested and open to receiving assistance, tell them about the National Sexual Assault Hotline or offer to help find local services for them.
Supporting A Survivor
Supporting a survivor can feel challenging for a number of reasons: you may be worried about upsetting the survivor, you may have other personal experiences with this issue, or you may feel you don’t know what to say at all. The most important things you can do for a survivor are to listen, validate, ask how you can help, know where to refer a survivor for further help, listen without judgment, and care for yourself.
Make Sure You Are Getting the Support You Need
Watching a friend or loved one work through the aftermath of a sexual assault can be an extremely difficult and painful experience. Common feelings of those supporting someone who has been assaulted include helplessness, frustration, anger, and guilt. It can be helpful to talk with someone other than the survivor about these feelings.
Tip: Get help for yourself.
You understandably may be experiencing discomfort, shock or uncertainty and have a lot of questions. To respect the survivor’s discomfort and give yourself the space you need to process your own feelings, wait until you’re away from the survivor and call the National Sexual Assault Hotline for free, confidential support.
NO MORE. Know How to Respond... Used by permission.
24-Hour Hotlines
- Find national and local 24-hour hotlines and agencies at 24-Hour Hotlines and Local Services
Campus Options for Victims and Survivors
- Visit Cal State LA Title IX and Cal State LA Office of Civil Rights and Title IX for reporting options
- View additional rights and options at
Rights and Options for Victims of Sexual Misconduct/Sexual Assault, Sexual Exploitation, Dating and Domestic Violence, and Stalking - File a complaint at Title IX/DHR Online Reporting Form
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