CSULA Department of English | Statement 2005

trans land

by Jeffrey Neale

trans land

(ginnedambienedheartbroken) “…would you change anything?” - United First-class Spanish lady with shellacked skunk-hair sits next to me musters the nerve to speak to me – rouge-smacking-whisper-at-first-inaudible-lips-exercising - my headphones churning beats obliterating hyperficially why I am on this plane - I decipher her question or make it my own (stale roll Land-o-Lakes pat of hydrogenated oil - stewed crippled bird no face no limbs - sorbic acid beanlike mush pyrosulphurous acid serving grief on diminutive square china - lemonesque towelette wipe the conscience - crystalline sodium chloride play “Regret: The Sequel”)  I will never run a marathon stumble down icy 26^th Street in a t-shirt howl about running off a job I desperately need to pay the rent - I will never climb Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen be a dazzling young artist with a promising career matching girlfriend savvy dealer smart palette - I will never study biology chemistry biochemistry physics astrophysics - I will never engage in the communal exchange of anonymous fluids - I will never understand metaphysics (homemade telescope cardboard tube bottle caps shards of glass gaze at the galaxy enumerate the stars – little flesh suitcase with busted clasp filled with National Geographics Smarties bald doll mothballs skull-and-bones vessel marked poison - Mother’s pantyhose)  I will never microscope my father’s skin run my hand down his face smell garlic on his breath (asbestos dust splintered folding wooden staircase closet stacked with cloroxed towels – all the women crying) I will never binge on crystal with three friends listen to spacey new age music dance on pianos rub white powder on my gums until one of us drops - I will never count pennies take change to the bank buy a book on fashion send away for a two-carat Diamonique ring that costs thirty-four dollars ninety-five cents - I will never be that frog (dismantled rollerskates) I will never die for animal rights be vegan faint at the inhumane treatment of laboratory rabbits – I will never touch the North Pole - I will never be a palm tree a stick of chewing gum a weapon an oracle a solution – I will never be a ten-year old boy sitting on the steps of St. Vincent’s waiting for Uncle Bernie to die - I will never eat lead torture beetles lie to myself about visions of the future (wide river wide airplane wide shoreline bluish Ford Amazon-green of native eyes wounded fruit - imaginary opera dusty fingernails dehydrated) Spanish lady sleeps dreams of church-bells smells of Tahitian vanilla – cotton-candy clouds beyond the plexiglass (decathexis) a flourish of acceptance (like meringue - a real reason) I am on this jumbo jet to say goodbye (unscripted hope evaporates like ether) I will never be a reflection a shimmer (a fragment of you) I will never combust (bloodlock)