By Tarik Booker


Delusions?  I have no
delusions.  IÂ’m the greatest person in the world!  IÂ’m the light at the end of
the tunnel!


IÂ’m the gold leaf in the
carpet of life.

IÂ’m the first baseman in the
stadium circus.

IÂ’m the clean water in the

IÂ’m Jeroboam! IÂ’m Rehoboam!

IÂ’m the Holy Roman Empire,


IÂ’m CaesarÂ’s ghostÂ’s acid,
juiced, blended and infused with protein powder.  IÂ’m the Vitamin Juice Boost,
my friend!


I was old when the Titans were
in Junior College.

I was ZeusÂ’ babysitter. 
AphroditeÂ’s Sex-Ed teacher.


I was Platinum when Bronze was
in fashion.

I was Napalm when there was
only Fire.


I was the apple that smacked
NewtonÂ’s Head / slapped EveÂ’s Brain / stopped Atlanta's Stride / sank in Gregor
SamsaÂ’s Insectoid Back


I crap lightning, I eat
thunder, I breathe fire, I sweat penicillin, and I vomit double-coupons at your
local supermarket!


I inject Dollars into my
veins, snort Stock-and-Bond options up my nose and spit the mess into
Tartan-Plaid colored Hedge-Funds.


I drink Roller Coasters,
Bleach, and the Souls of Unbroken Horses to bleed Diamond Statuettes of Marilyn
Monroe at 49!


IÂ’m better than the best!  IÂ’m
better than myself!


And no, thatÂ’s NOT on my



Shopping (for God)

By Tarik Booker


Zoroaster sells a relaxing
afterlife for only $12.95 plus tax.

You should be interested in
this for many reasons - some of which I will identify.


Xenophobes are not allowed
into heaven.

Wars are only fought through
the minds of those left on Earth.

Vice is sanctioned throughout
the day, but stops at lunch for our daily fireworks show.

Underwear is illegal, replaced
with skirts made of sugar water.

Talking is forbidden, replaced
with spitting and pats on the back.

Such is the way of this
practice, that you will be guaranteed Zen, or your money back.


Religion is such a touchy
subject today, so you might do well with something a bit more pleasing.


Questions about faith,
notwithstanding, IÂ’d like to sell you a more commercial religion.

Perhaps youÂ’d like something
organic, naturally enhancing?

Or you could buy this religion
for a special someone.

Nobody in particular?

Maybe youÂ’d be interested in a
gift religion for a friend or co-worker?

Look at this we have here, a
religion infused with the Viagra of Guadalupe.

Knowledge of the universe,
through that special part of your anatomy?

Jesus says, “What would I
do, if I had that special someone?

I know what my answer
would be.

Hurry now, while stocks are

God is only taking the first
500 customers.

Forget cash - credit or debit
is all you need for lasting glory.

Each religious purchase comes
with a biblical swimsuit edition.

DonÂ’t wait, Salvation is going
in 30 seconds!

C.O.D.Â’s are not accepted!

Buy now before itÂ’s too late!