Secret News Service of the Journal of the Association of Future Philosophers

Journal of the Association of Future PhilosophersÂ’

Very, Very Hush-Hush FYEO

Classified Top-Top Secret News Service

Fact, Fiction and Humor that my only be legally discussed under the Cone of Silence


By G.E.M.



Indiana imposes waiting periods for medical procedures

(Indianapolis, Mar. 10, 2003, 12:41 EST)


            Indiana Gov. Frank O'Bannon signed four bills today requiring mandatory waiting periods for certain medical procedures over the outcry of the medical profession.

            The new laws require a 7-day waiting period for plastic surgery or any medical operation for cosmetic reasons, a 12-hour waiting period for by-pass surgery, a 4-hour waiting period for appendectomies, an 8-hour waiting period for laser eye surgery and waiting periods of various lengths for other procedures.

Following the U.S. Supreme CourtÂ’s decision upholding the Indiana law requiring an 18-hour waiting period for abortions, Gov. O'Bannon said it was necessary to pass these laws on an expedited basis to protect all Indiana citizens from unnecessary operations or procedures that havenÂ’t been adequately considered.

The Indiana Medical Association hastily issued a statement urging the repeal of the new laws, claiming they could pose a health risk where immediate medical procedures are needed, but said that they are advising doctors to comply with the laws pending an appeal.

Consumer groups supporting the new laws cite numerous cases of medical mistakes and unnecessary operations that could have been avoided if more time been taken initially. They also cite the case of rock singer Michael Jackson, arguing plastic surgery is sometimes unwise, and say unneeded medical operation cost consumers billions of dollars each year.



California first in nation to protect children from golf

(Sacramento, March 10, 2003, 14:45 EST)


State Superintendent of Public Instruction Jack OÂ’Connell and California Atty. Gen. Bill Lockyer announced at a press conference today a new education campaign to reduce golf-related crimes.

Moving quickly after the U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding a 50 to 100-year prison sentence for the theft of three golf clubs, the two California officials said they are instituting a new program, “DARE to keep kids off golf.”

            Superintendent O’Connell said, “We have started testing this program in districts where students are at high risk, in areas with many schools in proximity to golf courses. In some cases I have seen students walking to school right next to golf courses, with putters and golf paraphernalia in plain sight.”

            Atty. Gen. Lockyer said, “If this program prevents one child from growing up and becoming a golf criminal, throwing away his future, it will have been worth it. My office has always been concerned about protecting kids.”

He said they intend to make it a statewide requirement this semester, rather than wait for the next school year, to avoid leaving many students at risk.



FTC imposes record fine for violent computer game

(Washington, D.C., March 10, 2003, 10:20 EST)


            The Federal Trade Commission announced today a record $1.1 million fine against a major game software maker AIPlaySoftware, Inc. for marketing Desert Storm II, the Conquest of Iraq, a new violent computer game, to minors.

            FTC Chairman Timothy Muris said he issued the ruling to show the Bush administration putting its “kids first” policy into effect.

            AIPlaySoftware, Inc. agreed to a consent decree, under which it will pay the fine and will pull the game off the shelves, but its executives will be exempt from criminal prosecution. It said it made a mistake in approving the game without its usual review process

            Numerous web sites for gamers said they were not surprised. While admiring the game detail, which presents a new level of realism on the new ATI and nVidia cards, they said the game shows babies being decapitated while in their mothers’ arms.

            “I felt like I was in Baghdad,” one reviewer wrote. “The first time I dropped a tunneling missile into the heart of Baghdad and saw body parts fly, I was hooked. The game play is phenomenal – this game is pure adrenaline rush.”



Hussein agrees to democracy, conditionally

(Baghdad, March 10, 2003, 1:54 EST)


            Iraqi President Saddam Hussein said in an interview broadcast today on state-controlled Iraqi TV that he will accept democracy with one condition.

            Responding to U.S. administration plans to institute a democratic government after a “possible” war, Hussein said he will allow democracy without a U.S. attack, with independent political parties to run candidates for all offices, including president, to reflect the popular will, but only if Bush turns over the U.S. government to Al Gore.

            The White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer dismissed this offer as “another of Saddam’s deceptions,” and said Bush will not consider it.

            “Saddam lied about his Al Samoud missiles in his U.N. declaration – he just can’t be trusted to keep his word,” Fleischer said.



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