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Chapter 15: A Win-Win Approach to Conflict Resolution
and Potential Power Struggles
From Transformative Classroom Management. By John Shindler. ©2008
Reproduction is unlawful without
permission
In this Chapter:
- Examining the Sources of Classroom
Conflict
- A Process for Win-Win
Conflict Resolution
- Successfully Resolving Power
Struggles
Conflict
is a natural part of any functional class. In fact, it is not necessarily a
sign that there are problems with the classroom management or with the health
of the classroom community. But it does often lead to unhappiness, discomfort,
and or the need for members of the class to emotionally withdrawal or attack.
So making sense of conflict, and providing our students with the skills,
knowledge and dispositions to process it effectively is essential to creating a
functional democratic classroom.
Where does
conflict originate? It comes from many sources, and it takes many forms.
Sometimes it is brought into the class from the outside, and sometimes it is created
within the class. Either way, when it is examined with a sufficient amount of
awareness, it can be a useful means to personal and collective growth. Our job
as teachers is to help our students see that conflict can be an opportunity,
rather than just a source of grief.
Chapter Reflection 15-a: In the most recent classrooms
that you have observed, was there conflict present? What form did it take? Who
was responsible for initiating it, and/or perpetuating it?
Exploring the
Most Common Sources of Conflict
The most
common sources of classroom conflict include the following:
- Students have competing ideas. As teachers, some of us are more
comfortable working in an arena with conflicting and competing ideas.
Research into teaching style suggests that harmony-seeking Feelers
(which make up a majority of teachers) tend to be less comfortable than
logic-seeking Thinkers with the emotional climate that is created
when disagreement is present (Myers-Briggs, 1998). But suppressing
conflict can also suppress getting at what can be the meaningful essence
of an issue or idea. So Feelers need to consider tolerating some healthy
conflict in the name of learning. Conversely, the Thinker teacher
should be aware that the feeling half of his or her students might
not view argument and debate as the source of stimulation that they do.
They need to recognize that what they see as healthy conflict or
directness can lead to real discomfort, and can even turn off or shut down
some of their students. In general, intellectual conflict is a powerful
ingredient in a classroom that needs to be treated with care. And above
all, we as teachers needs to model effective communication skills and
conflict resolution.
As we develop our “culture
of listening and respect” (discussed in Chapter 12), we need to help students
separate difference of opinion from personal attack. We need to help them learn
the skills of self-expression, while keeping the dignity and respect of others
paramount. Helping students keep in mind that their ideas have changed over
time and will undoubtedly change in the future can be useful. As they better
distinguish their ideas from themselves, then they find it much easier to
discuss them without getting defensive. We as teachers need to allow students
to disagree and permit them time to process those emotions. As they learn that
not always being right or having others agree is not the end of the world, they
become more comfortable with self-expression and less fearful of conflict.
Chapter Reflection 15-b: While few of us are entirely
comfortable with a great deal of conflict, for some of our students it can lead
to a great deal of drama, pain, and/or emotional reactivity. It may be worth
getting to know how your students react to conflict. Why do some students
always need to be right? Why do some students feel so personally attacked when
someone disagrees with their idea? How can we help our students express
themselves and feel safe? Understanding the human ego’s need to defend itself is
a useful starting point as we try to make sense of this area and for how to
promote a healthy intellectual climate in the class.
In addition, we need to help students express their ideas in
ways that do not attack others. A good way to start is to help them use
phrasing that identifies their idea as “their opinion.” I-messages are useful
for this purpose. For example, we might encourage a student to say, “From what
I understand, I think a gas tax is a bad idea,” as opposed to “A gas tax is a
terrible idea!” The first phrase does an adequate job of expressing an opinion,
as such, whereas the second expresses the same opinion as a fact that
essentially picks a fight. Practicing how to phrase opinions at the beginning
of the year is time well spent. Leading the class in a concept attainment or
classification exercise related to “good ways to express opinions” vs. “bad
ways to express opinions,” can help clarify the difference more concretely. Putting
the exercise on butcher paper and leaving it on the wall for a few weeks to
refer to may be helpful as well. And as we continuously need to keep in mind
the most powerful learning in this area will come from the modeling of the
teacher. So model what you want to see from your students. Expect this to be
more challenging than it sounds.
- Students have Competing Needs and Desires. No matter how clear our expectations. No
matter how well understood our social contract. No matter how well we
promote community among the members of the class, we know there will be
some level of conflict that comes from students competing needs and
desires. But the difference between a democratic classroom with an
intentional process for dealing with conflict and an authoritarian
classroom where the teacher acts as the judge is that in a democratic
classroom, conflict is an opportunity for all parties to grow, while in an
authoritarian classroom, conflict is just a source of trouble for all
concerned. Moreover, in a democratic classroom, each conflict leads to
more learning and skill building, which leads to more effective conflict
resolution and less future pain and suffering. Teacher-based resolutions
lead to dependent and passive students who learn little about how to deal with
the conflicts that arise in their lives, in or out of the classroom.
What Teachers should avoid with regard to conflict between
students:
- Ignoring conflict. This leads to the advantage
of the advantaged. The powerful will ultimately use the vacuum of justice
to get their way over the less powerful.
- Acting as judge. This sends the message that
students are too immature to solve their own problems, and impedes they
moral and social growth.
- Siding solely with the victim. Be empathetic,
but being used as a tool to get back at an aggressor will lead to more
dependence and a cycle of victimization for the weak party and an
identity as a bully for the aggressor.
- Don’t encourage tattle tailing. The more you
encourage it, the more you will get it. You encourage it by acting as
judge, siding with the victim, or not encouraging students to seek their
own solutions before they come to you.
What Teachers should encourage with regard to conflict
between students:
§
The use of a well established set of guidelines for conflict resolution
(see win-win conflict resolution guidelines below). An effective and uniform system helps support
a sense of safety and learning for students.
§
Skills related to expressing and owning one’s feelings. I-messages and empathy
are difficult skills to learn, but they are effective and save a lot of pain
and suffering.
§
An effort on the part of the student to ask themselves, “What is the
best thing for the class as a whole, and can I find a solution that meets my
needs and is good for the group as well?”
§
An inclination to solve one’s own conflicts. It may feel difficult not
to intervene at first, but as time goes on you will be surprised at how
empowering it can be for the students, especially those that have previously
been dependent on adult interventions.
§
An inclination to think in terms of one’s own behavior first and others
second. Too often conflicts escalate because students all feel the need to
point out the misbehavior of other students. We have all heard countless phrases
that begin with “Teacher, ____ is _____ ing.” Aside from the most severe cases,
attending to these types of student pleas for your intervention will only
increase the amount of conflict and encourage an external locus of control
mentality. A useful phrase in these cases can be “If everyone takes care of
themselves we will be fine.”
§
An effort to recognize how much they are growing in their conflict
resolution skills. As with the other skills that you are trying to encourage,
don’t hold back your pride and respect for the students that are making the
effort to grow in a new and difficult area. (see personal recognition vs.
praise, Chapter 6).
§
Openness to modifying the social contract. If a conflict or a series of
conflicts send the message that something is not working, use the opportunity
to brainstorm a contract modification. This activity can be a very conspicuous
opportunity to model the principle – conflict is an opportunity for growth.
Chapter Reflection 15-c: As you reflect on the last class
that you observed, how many of the interventions of the teacher would you
classify as being consistent with the list outlining “what to encourage,” and
how many fell into “what to avoid?” Did you see evidence of the effect they had
over time?
- Teacher’s Negative Affect/or Misguided Practice
Leads to Student Conflict. If you are practicing any of
the teacher behaviors “to stop doing” outlined in Chapter 2, conflict will
follow. It may take the form of resistance stemming from a feeling that
basic needs are not being met. It may take the form of jealously, if you
use extrinsic rewards and/or personal praise. It may take the form of
mistrust, if you are inconsistent with your consequences, or use arbitrary
punishments. But in one form or another, student discomfort will lead to
conflict. So be proactive. Create a safe, needs satisfying, consistent
classroom climate and you will have to do a lot less conflict resolution
and power struggle management.
Chapter Reflection 15-d: As you have been asked to do
throughout the book, reflect on the relationship between teacher action and
student reaction. Recall classrooms in which there is nearly no conflict, and
other classes in the same school in which there is a great deal. What is the
difference? In your opinion how much of the conflict in any class is created
(both directly and indirectly) by the actions of the teacher?
- Students’ and Teachers’ Needs Compete. Even
if you are being successful at creating a healthy needs satisfying
classroom where the expectations are clear, there are bound to be cases in
which your needs and those of your students will be at odds. Sometimes
just explaining the rationale behind your expectations can help student
see why they are necessary. Sometimes it may be necessary to engage in a process
of problem solving to achieve understanding.
For example, a teacher may have a homework policy that makes
perfect sense to them, but a good number of their students do not do most or all
of their homework. In cases like this, it is important that we listen to our
students needs. Ask them what they would change in the policy to ensure that
everyone came with their homework completed. After listening to suggestions,
you can find a practicable compromise that works for all parties. Jane
Bluestein (20tt) calls this negotiating a “boundary.” She suggests conflict is
minimized when each party can accept a policy boundary that “works for them.”
This process helps meet the students’ basic need for power and brings another
level of clarity to the expectations.
Chapter Reflection 15 –e: Recall our discussions in
Chapters 6 and 11 related to boundary setting. It can be a potent tool for the
teacher to promote clear expectations and student empowerment, but can also
lead to an excessive amount of bargaining if it is not done intentionally, and
proactively.
- Students bring in displaced anger from outside
the class that plays out in conflict dramas and attempts at power
struggles. Sometimes we as teachers have done a good job
of developing a sound social contract and a fair and supportive classroom
environment, but because one or more students feel the need to test us, or
essentially “share their pain,” potential conflict can arise. Following
the steps outlined below for dealing with a power struggle can help
strengthen the social contract, keep us from getting hooked into something
destructive, and lead to a growth opportunity for the student.
Win-Win Conflict resolution:
Having a
system for conflict resolution in place for our classroom or school can have
many positive benefits. First, it will reduce the amount and intensity of the
conflicts that do occur. Second, it will help students build useful skills to
solve their own problems - skills that will be valuable both within the school
walls, and outside in their homes and communities. Third, the conflict
resolution skills discussed below will act to promote a deeper sense of
responsibility, community and success psychology among the student body of a
school or classroom.
Naomi
Drew, author of the book Hope and Healing
offers a 6-step process for successful conflict resolution. It can be used by
students for self-mediation, or used by a peer mediator. These steps provide a
useful framework for examining how to make a conflict an opportunity for growth
rather than disharmony.
Step 1: Cool off.
As
Help the
students consciously witness the tendency within them for the pain reaction to
rise when first confronted by a conflict. As Tolle suggests when one brings
conscious awareness to the inner pain reaction, it will begin to fade. Then the
student can then begin to shift their attention away from the past (where the
pain-body wants to keep it) into the present moment (where they will be able to
think rationally). Once they feel they are ready to approach the problem
constructively, they are ready to go on to the next step and engage with others
to problem solve.
Chapter Reflection 15-f: Can you recognize this pain-body
reaction within yourself when it arises? We all have a pain-body, and while the
triggers may be different (e.g., insecurity for one person, and rejection for
another person), the mechanism is rather similar. When the pain-body reaction
arises, notice how you actually desire more pain and a perpetuation of the
angry emotions. Seeing it within yourself will make you much more effective
when you see it arise within your students.
Step 2: Tell
what’s bothering you using “I messages.”
When each participant is ready to put her or his energy into listening and
problem solving, and is not still acting out of the defensive pain-reaction,
they are ready to enter into a process of communication. However, if the words
they use send messages that imply blame, attack, or indictment, not only is it
likely that this demonstrates that they are coming from the participant’s
pain-body, but these types of messages are likely to trigger the other
participant’s defensive reaction. The result will be an escalation of pain as
each participant engages in the pain-feeding frenzy. On the surface, this may appear like
communication, but in reality, it is simple two people using each other to
supply their inner pain-mechanism and defend their egos. If we examine it
closely, this is what is going on in most arguments.
Therefore,
the language in the participants’ communication at this stage needs to work to
offer information and clarity, rather than blame. A good technique for accomplishing this is
the use of “I statements.” As mentioned earlier in the chapter, I statements
are phrases such as “I was waiting my turn and it seemed to be that you stepped
in front of me,” or “What I heard you say was ‘I am a fool’ and I did not think
it was funny, and I did not appreciate it.” Drew recommends that when making
“I” statements it’s important to avoid put-downs, guilt-trips, sarcasm, or
negative body language. They need to simply report information and one’s
experience. And it is important to remind participants that both events and
feelings are useful information at this stage in the process. The students need
to maintain a win-win mindset throughout the process. And at this stage,
information contributes to solutions, whereas blame, attacks, and victim
language contribute to losers within the process. This early step requires a great deal of
trust on the part of the participants. They will be tempted to give in to a
competitive win-lose mentality. So in
the early stages of facilitating this process, you will be required to provide
a great deal of encouragement to your students to trust the process and their
classmates.
Chapter Reflection 15-g: Thomas Gordon, the inventor of
the term I-messages, has developed a great deal of information on what they are
and how to use them. His Teacher Effectiveness Training website is full of good
ideas in this area.
Step 3: Each person restates what they heard the other person say.
When each participant is required to restate what they heard the other say, it
brings both clarity and empathy into the process. Each is important. If there
is no clarity, there can be little real understanding, and solutions will
likely be superficial. If there is no empathy, it is a lost opportunity for growth.
In addition, it is a likely sign that participants do not sincerely desire a
win-win outcome. Successfully restating another’s words shows that one is
trying to come out of his of her own narrow point of view into a place of
shared understanding.
Using the
example above, one such statement might be, “I heard you say that you did not
think it was funny when I called you are a fool, is that correct?” Do you hear
the clarity it introduces to the process, as well as the empathy?
Step 4: Take responsibility.
It is important that participants within the process adopt the attitude that
blame and assigning fault are counterproductive, and therefore to be avoided.
Blame is external and past oriented. Responsibility is internal and
present-to-future oriented. An effective conflict resolution process is an
effective tool to promote internal locus of control and consequently what we
referred to in chapter 8 as a “success psychology.”
Participants
need to embrace the attitude “what can we each do to make things better in the
future?” This attitude is in direct contrast to the attitude characterized by
the statement “It is not my fault” or “It is your fault.” Again, the skills
related to a successful resolution to conflict do not come easily and will take
a great deal of encouragement and practice as the concrete experience of
success, which can only come with time. The natural tendencies to defend, share
one’s pain, or obtain “justice” will be difficult to break. But a powerful
resource that you as the facilitator will always have is that taking part in a
successful resolution process feels deeply satisfying to the participant. Use
this awareness to motivated participants to stick with it, and resist bad
habits.
Chapter Reflection 15-h: As you read each of these steps,
do you find yourself subtly resisting the ideas? It is natural, and
understanding why can be instructive. What about these ideas is threatening? Is
there a part of you holding on to the belief that this is all too much work,
and that conflict is just natural and inevitable? Is your ego rooting for
win-lose conflict resolution rather than win-win? Listen to your inner-voice of
resistance. What is it telling you?
Step 5: Brainstorm solutions and come up with one that satisfies both
people.
As Drew suggests, “Resolving conflicts is a creative act. There are many
solutions to any single problem.” Participants quickly learn that it is not
about getting someone in trouble or deciding who is at fault. It is about
solutions that will make life better in the future. Sometimes this is a matter
of compromise. Sometimes it is a matter of finding a new and better way.
Sometimes it is about one person realizing that they need to change a behavior
pattern.
For
younger students it can be immensely helpful for the teacher to ask guiding
questions to help the process along. The teacher might ask, questions such as
“What is it that each of you want?” “What did you do today to try to get what
you wanted?” “What happened?” “What could you do tomorrow to get what you want
without one person feeling hurt?” As you guide this process, give students time
to think after you ask your questions, and resist the temptation to give them
answers, unless absolutely necessary.
After hearing a workable idea offered, you might ask, “Would that
solution work for both of you?”
For older
students, it may be effective to have each participant take some time either
independently, or if it makes more sense, as a team, and brainstorm a set of ideas
on paper. They should be encouraged to think of a series of ideas. As with any
brainstorming exercise, students should recognize that items further down the
list often end up being most insightful. Participants can then examine each
list and agree on a solution that is most acceptable.
It should
be noted that the conflict resolution process should be part of the social
contract, but does not imply that consequences for contract violations are
ignored. For example, in the case of two students involved in a physical
altercation, we can assume that we have some form of consequence for hitting.
Therefore in a situation where one student hits another, in response to a
hurtful comment, a conflict resolution process should be employed, but the
consequence for hitting still needs to be implemented. The conflict resolution
process will help aid in supporting better decisions in the future and mend the
relationship between the students. But the class needs to understand that when
they violate the social contract, there are consequence in place.
Step 6: Affirm, forgive, or thank.
After a solution is agreed upon help participants develop the habit of shaking
hands, thanking one another, and forgiving one another. Forgiveness, and
gratitude are powerful mindsets for participants to close the process with.
They say that 1) what was most important about this conflict resolution process
was that we all grew a little bit, and 2) the relationship was worth the effort
it took to overcome the natural tendency to fight, or withdraw.
Every time
the students successfully execute this conflict resolution process their skills
for dealing with conflict within and without grow. If they can learn at an early point in life
to recognize their defensive pain-driven mental reaction, become responsible
for their actions, and to forgive and move on, they will have acquired skills
that are as valuable as anything they will learn in their time in school.
As the
students become more skilled at this process observe both the social and communal
bonds grow. The social bonds will grow, because the students will develop more
respectful and effective ways to interact. The communal bonds will grow as they
learn to work through difficult situations collaboratively. To have community,
we have to need each other. This process brings students out of their emotional
isolation into a trusting and needs satisfying place.
As you
examine the ways in which this conflict resolution process affects students you
might recall our discussion in Chapter 8 related to the formation of a
psychology of success. Win-win conflict
resolution skills promote each of the factors: internal locus of control,
acceptance and belonging, and a mastery orientation to learning. And recalling
our exploration of how to promote responsibility in our classes in Chapter 11,
it should be apparent how this process can be a powerful tool in the
development of a more responsible approach to problems within the class.
Chapter Reflection 15-i: Imagine a school in which students were experts
in conflict resolution. They do exist, and the results they achieve are often
remarkable when it comes to reducing fighting, bullying, arguments, and all the
many conflicts that arise in collective spaces at a school. Consider
encouraging your school to take a school-wide approach to conflict resolution
modeled after one of the successful schools and the principles outlines above.
Table
15.1 Benefits of a deliberate and effective way of dealing with conflict.
|
MANAGED CONFLICT |
OUT-OF-CONTROL CONFLICT |
|
|
|
|
Strengthens relationships and builds teamwork. |
Damages relationships and discourages cooperation. |
|
Encourages open communication and cooperative
problem-solving. |
Results in defensiveness and hidden agendas. |
|
Resolves disagreements quickly and increases productivity.
|
Wastes time, money and human resources. |
|
Deals with real issues and concentrates on win-win
resolution. |
Focuses on fault-finding and blaming. |
|
Makes allies and diffuses anger. |
Creates enemies and hard feelings. |
|
Airs all sides of an issue in a positive, supportive
environment. |
Is frustrating, stress producing and energy
draining. |
|
Calms and focuses toward results. |
Is often loud, hostile and chaotic. |
Reference: UCSD Human resources
div.
Figure 15.2: Possible Phrases for a Wall Chart to
Support Conflict Resolution Success
In This Class We . . .
§
Deal with conflict
constructively, thoughtfully and deliberately
§
Recognize that conflict
comes from thoughts, so we can change our thoughts and end or reduce conflicts
when we so choose.
§
Understand that conflicts
have solutions if we make the effort to look for them
§
Use conflict as an
opportunity to make us better as individuals and as a class
§
See ourselves
becoming more skilled at conflict resolution all the time
Dealing with Conflict within
the Social Contract
By
definition a social contract exists to meet the needs of its members. If it is not
meeting its members’ needs, in the most effective and fair manner, then it
should be modified. Usually a good sign that it needs to be modified is the
presence of conflict. If we experience a persistent problem in the class we may
want to go about a system of problem solving and then adopt the new solution
into our social contract. For example, if we find the students fighting over
who gets to use the computers, it is a sign that we need a better system for
computer use. As in all cases related to the development of the social
contract, the more democratic the process is, the more sense of ownership of
the outcome there will likely be. So when contentious issues arise among
members of the class, it may signal the opportunity for a class meeting or at least
a brainstorming exercise.
Chapter Reflection 15-j: What is your instinct when
conflict arises in your class or within groups that you are leading? Is it to
take over or is it to use the conflict as an opportunity for growth and problem
solving? If you are attempting to head down the road of being a 1-type teacher,
you will want to find an efficient system for conducting class meetings. Recall
that they do not need to take more than a few minutes.
Power Struggles
As we
examine the idea of potential power struggle situations with students. It is
important to keep in mind that the social contract is the framework from which
we are working. In many cases, what is occurring during a power struggle is the
student testing the integrity of the social contract. The are saying in essence
“No!” to our class agreement. When a
student defies us openly, we are naturally going to feel angry and offended,
and our tendency (encouraged by our own defensive pain-body reaction) would
then be to exert our power and show the student who was boss. While this may
feel satisfying in the moment, it produces a number of undesirable effects,
including:
- Engages us in a power struggle. There is no
power struggle until we buy into the challenge.
- Losing sight of the point. The point is that the
student needs to be responsible and fulfill their commitment to the
contract they have agreed.
- Sending the message to all the other students
that the teacher can get hooked into a power struggle.
- Sending the message to the other students that
when a student says “No!” to the contract, they are just given some
short-term pain, but they are not held responsible in a meaningful manner
(Recall chapter 12).
Chapter Reflection 15-k: What is your tendency when students
challenge you? What happens when we take the challenge and engage the student?
So what do
we do when a student challenges us instead of reacting to the personal offense
with reactivity or some kind? Cuwin and Mendler offer a process for dealing with
a power struggle successfully. It
provides a coherent and sensible approach to dealing with student-teacher
conflict that will save us a lot of pain and suffering. And as we consider it
within the context of the social contract it has the following effects:
- Strengthening the social contract, by
reinforcing it.
- Placing the responsibility on the student
- Indirectly teaching (social learning model) that
living up to our commitment to the social contract takes precedence over
selfishness (i.e., the student’s tantrum or the teacher’s power trip)
- Teaching that a good game or emotional hook is
not going to work to change the rules that are outlined by the social
contract.
Dealing
with a power struggle
Curwin and Mendler offer the following 7-steps to success when confronted
by a student who attempts to engage us in a power struggle.
- Do
not manufacture power struggles by the way you teach.
By and large
power struggles are a result of a student’s attempt to satisfy an unmet
need. Students who feel a sense of power
and control, are making progress toward their goals, are supported by the
teacher, have avenues to share concerns, and are given choices and not backed
into corners by harsh directives will be much less likely to feel the need to
engage the teacher in a power struggle.
- Move
into a private (and out of a public) encounter.
If the encounter begins publicly, quickly move it
into a private, one-to-one interaction.
A public stage will put the student in a position where they must defend
their image, and put you in a position that you feel the need to demonstrate
your power.
Chapter Reflection 15-l: Recall the social learning model
here. What does a public implementation create? What does the “audience factor”
affect the student’s thinking?
- Avoid
being “hooked in” by the student.
If the student tries to hook you in by making you
feel guilty or responsible for their inappropriate behavior, simply ignore the
hook and give the responsibility back to the student. A hook is intended to shift the focus
externally to you or another factor. They act to shift blame and pull you in.
If you become drawn in on a personal level, the student is then in control.
Chapter Reflection 15-m: What hooks have you heard students
use? Share your story with your colleagues or classmates? Reflect on what hooks
are trying to do, and why it is so tempting to play into them.
Figure
15.3: Common power struggle hooks can include the following phrases:
- You are not a good teacher
- You do not like me
- No one likes me
- You are prejudice
- Other teachers let me do this
- You let everyone else do it
- I can see why people say you are such a jerk
- School is a waste of time, especially this class
- I promise not to do it again, just leave me alone
- Calmly
acknowledge the power struggle.
It is counterproductive to show anger or to “flex
your muscle.” Instead, with a calm
voice, acknowledge to the student that things appear to be heading toward a power
struggle, which would surely make any eventual outcome worse. Ask the student to consider how the situation
could end up in a “win-win” scenario.
- Validate
the student’s feelings and concerns.
Use phrases such as, “I understand that you feel
the way you do, but that does not mean that it excuses what you did,” “Those feelings make sense, I can see why you
think that, but . . .“ Feelings are important and valued, but they are aside
from the essential point. Throughout the process we need to project an unconditional positive
regard for the student. We need to side with their feelings and concerns, but
at the same time maintain a clear understanding that they are accountable. If
we go negative, they will lose sight of the intervention being about their responsibility
and see it as a punishment that is coming from an external agent (i.e., us).
- Keep
the focus on the student’s choice, and simply state the consequence
(repeating if necessary).
No matter what “hook” the
student tries to use, keep the focus on the fact that the student made a choice
to violate the rule/social contract (i.e., “I understand that you feel this is
unfair, but you made the choice to ____ and the consequence we decided on for
that is ____.”) They chose to act in the
way they did, and therefore they need to accept responsibility. If the student does not want to accept the
logical or agreed upon consequence, then they can make the choice to accept a
more significant consequence, such as losing the opportunity to be part of the
class/activity. Calmly repeating the
agreement or being a “broken record” can reinforce the point to the student
that the next things that needs to happen is that they need to make a choice or
take responsible action. The rest of the conversation is secondary. But be
careful not to badger the student. A calm or encouraging affect can each be
effective, but aggressiveness will be counterproductive. There is no need to
act powerful – the reality is that you have the real power of the social
contract and your rights as a teacher.
Chapter Reflection 16-n: When you visualize being in a
power struggle with a student do you find yourself naturally wanting to be
either aggressive or feeling fearful. Visualize a power struggle situation.
What emotions do you feel arising? Now visualize the interaction without fear
or aggressiveness, simply awareness and clear communication. Can you feel your
thinking becoming clearer, and do you now see the student as less threatening
as well?
- Put
your emotional energy into constructive matters.
After you have successfully
communicated to the student their choices, it is not useful to dwell on this
student’s behavior. There is no need to hover or pressure the student. Shift your attention back into your teaching.
Model constructive, rational, positive behavior.
Applying the Steps to a
Classroom Situation
Now let us applying these 7 steps above to a
classroom situation in which a student challenges us to a power struggle (see
table 15.1). In this case we will assume that we have done an effective job of
developing our social contract and creating clear expectations in our class.
However, on this day, for some reason, maybe some displaced aggression from an
earlier parent – child interaction, the student feels a need to challenge us, and
engage us in a power struggle.
Power
Struggle Scenario:
Imagine that you have just completed an activity
where your students individually completed a project that required them to use paper
and poster making materials. You gave the class a 5-minute warning before you
asked them to clean up their desk areas and get ready to go. As you are ready
to dismiss them, you detect that on one desk there is still a noticeable amount
of paper. Doing a good job of technical management (and consistent with your
social contract), you calmly repeat the expectation, “When all the desks are
clear and all the materials are put away, we can go.” On just about any other day, this would have
been sufficient to motivate the particular student to fulfill their
responsibility to the class and its social contract. But for some reason, today
is different. The student does not move to clear their desk. Lets suppose that
the student is hinting at his or her disposition on the matter by avoiding eye
contact with you. As your blood pressure begins to rise, you realize that you
need to be purposeful and deliberate right now, and use this opportunity to
take a step forward in your own conflict skills, toward better classroom
relationships, and improved clarity or the classroom social contract. You
dismiss the rest of the class and ask the student to stay.
Table 15.1: Application of
the 7-step process outlined previously for successfully resolving a power struggle
to the case above.
|
Steps for Successfully Negotiating a Power Struggle |
Paper on the desk example |
|
1.
Do not
manufacture power struggle (consider if your teaching has been a contributing
factor) |
Recall if there was something that occurred during
the activity that the student may be responding to. Did you inadvertently
make a derogatory comment about the work or have you alienated the student in
the past. If so, this is a good time to do some healing. But no matter what
responsibility you need to take to fix your part of the relationship, the
bottom line remains. The student made an agreement to live up to the social
contract. Part of that responsibility is to do their part of the clean up.
Your request was reasonable. You are the facilitator of the contract, so it
was your job to make the request. It is not your job to judge, shame,
lecture, or bring up past history. As you approach the student keep 2 simple
ideas paramount: show real concern by helping the student to grow, and keep
the focus of the interaction on the act and the responsibilities that go
along with the choice to take action – relationship and responsibility. |
|
2. Move into a private (and out of a public)
encounter. |
If you foresee a power struggle situation forming,
it will help if you do not take part in the interaction in a public forum.
The public factor will likely encourage the student to defend their honor
and/or impress their friends (or even their enemies possibly), and will
encourage you to exert power in the face of a public challenge. So close the
proximity gap and move near to the student. And depending on the situation
moving to a private location might be best. The fewer distractions and the more immediate the
resolution the better the outcome will be. |
|
3. Avoid being “hooked in” by the student. |
If the student is still sitting in the chair and
has not taken the sensible step to clean up their learning area, then it is a
good bet that they are deliberately going to engage us in a power struggle.
It is useful for us to understand at this point that the student is
experiencing pain in some form, and they at intent on sharing some of that
pain with us. If we shift into pity mode, or defense mode, we will soon be in
a power struggle. Keep your “just relationship and responsibility” mantra
going in your head, if you begin to feel hooked in. At this point, it makes sense to repeat the
request again – calmly and clearly. “When you clean up your desk, you can
go.” Without being condescending, using a “broken
record” technique to clarify the contractual expectation can be effective. If
your response is continuously some form of the message, “when you (fulfill
your responsibility), then you will (be afforded the rights of those who are
responsible),” the student understands that the conversation is about what
they are going to do regarding their contract obligations, and not about
something of less significant importance at that moment. The student may offer a statement intended to
“hook” you in. These may take the form of “This is the worst class I have
ever had,” or “You are the worst teacher,” or “You never make Julie pick up
her stuff,” or “This is because I am (____ ethnicity) and you do not like
(_____ ethnicity) students.” Hooks can be explosive and may make us want to
express our anger (by activating our pain-body reaction) and/or defend
ourselves. BUT THE HOOK IS NOT THE POINT, SO DON’T PLAY INTO IT. Once we
respond to the hook we are in an argument, and the student has shifted the
focus of the interaction to their agenda and away from their responsibility.
A useful phrase at this point may be, “That may be true, but right now, you
have to decide what you are going to choose to do about the paper on your
desk.” |
|
4.
Calmly
acknowledge the power struggle. |
It may be useful at some point in the interaction
to help the student become aware of the dynamics of the situation. A useful
phrase may be something to the effect, “You seem to want to argue, or get
into a power struggle right now. That is not is not going to help either one
of us resolve this situation.” Playing
the psychologist, may seem condescending, so try not to guess what is wrong.
Just show empathy and awareness of the dynamic. The more awareness that can
come into the situation the more reasoned the thinking will be. A useful
mental thought here is to mirror the affect that you want from the student. |
|
5.
Validate
the student’s feelings and concerns. |
Without being too psycho-analytical, it is useful
to let the student know that you understand that they have some pain that is
causing this need to engage you. For instance if the student makes the
statement, “I know that you do not like me, don’t pretend you do.” Yes, this
is a hook, but it may or may not express authentic feelings. The mistake
would be to respond in a way that attempted to defend our self against the
accusation of non-liking, or ignore the idea completely implying that maybe
they are right. So we might respond in a way that attempts to validate the
student, but keeps the fulfillment of their responsibility in the foreground,
such as, “You know I like you, and I get the feeling like there is more going
on here than what is being said, and I promise that we can talk about your
concerns about me and this class, but right now, you have one job, to make
the choice to fulfill your commitment to our social contract, or accept that
by your actions you are rejecting your commitment.” We need to fulfill our part of the social
contract by following through and taking the time to listen to students
concerns. But we can only control the choices that we make, this student
needs to take responsibility for theirs. |
|
6.
Keep the
focus on the student’s choice, and simply state the consequence |
In the larger context the choice the student has
made is essentially to say “No!” to the social contract. However, the
phrasing you would use should point out the current choice the student is
making and the resulting consequence to that choice. Early in the interaction our language might be
something to the effect, “you have make the choice not to clean up your desk
area, when you make that choice, you will be dismissed to go.” At this time,
the consequence may have increased to a lost opportunity to go and take part
in the activity with the other students. As time goes on, the student’s decision not to
pick up the paper begins to imply a choice to defy his or her commitment to
the social contract. So our statement after a few minutes of student inaction
should imply that the student must somehow show a commitment that this will
not happen again. We might use the language, “You made the choice to
disregard your responsibility. Our social contract only works when all of us
live up to our agreements. You need to clean up your area and explain to me
(in writing is best) how and why this is not going to happen again, before I
can consider you a responsible and committed member of this class.” |
|
7.
Put your
emotional energy into constructive matters. |
Your physical actions throughout this process are
also meaningful. Avoid hovering or standing over the student. Giving the
student space sends the message that they are free to make a decision without
coercion. Do essentially what you would do if you were alone in the room. Use
eye contact and good listening skills when you are directly interacting with
the student, but when the student is thinking, then it is best to show the
student that “life will go on, no matter what choice they make.” Let your
actions and emotions send the message that you hope they make a good choice,
but your job is to put positive energy into your work and the class. If they
want to engage in something constructive, you will be there, but there is
nothing they can do to get you to join in their pain party. |
Fearing the idea of students saying NO
As long as the student makes the choice, by virtue of their willful action, to dismiss or reject the social contract, they have made the choice to step outside of it until they show a commitment to being a responsible member. It may be the case that no student makes that kind of choice all year. If we do a good job of creating a healthy learning community, it is likely to happen rarely if ever. But if we fear a student engaging us in a power struggle or rejecting a request, we will always carry a bit of unnecessary anxiety. Our fear may lead us to such actions as ignoring or rationalizing a student’s choice to dismiss the class contract or implementing a punishment that does not hold the student responsible for their choice, like sending them to the office. Yet, if we keep in mind that, at any moment, a students has the choice to be responsible or not to be responsible. So, if they choose not to be, that is their right, and we do have to get angry or scared, we simply need to give them a clear context to make future choices. Therefore, it is possible that one day a student may choose to step out of there commitment to the class, and we need to be able to show the tough love it takes to let them make that choice.
If
on the other hand we let fear or sympathy guide us to letting the student off
the hook, we have sent a powerful message to the rest of the class that when
students say “No” to the social contract, the teacher will not hold them
accountable. Examined within the social learning model the message is that the
contract is neither sound nor sacred. While no other student may see themselves
as wanting to disrespect the contract, they will likely lose respect for it,
when they view it being disregarded. It may not be conscious, but expect an
erosion of commitment to the social contract. Conversely, when we hold students
accountable, no matter how difficult it may be, we send the message to the
members of the group that the social contract has integrity.
Chapter Reflection 15-o: When a student says no to you, what has your inclination been to this point? How will you approach it in the future?
Conclusion
Conflict will be present in any class. How we process it will define the effect that it has on our students. As we examine the process for creating the 1-style classroom and the qualities of a classroom community in the coming chapters, you will recognize that conflict can be an opportunity for growth. Moreover, it can provide a means to discovering the empowerment that comes from knowing that one can maintain awareness and intention in the face of problematic situations. In addition, power struggles can become opportunities to learn responsibility and to strengthen the social contract. In the next chapter we will examine how to work with difficult students. We will need to build on the concepts from this chapter to be effective. If we take the position that difficult students need to be punished and put in their place, we will find ourselves engaged in perpetual power struggles, and our efforts will not support the growth of the student toward more functional behavior.
Journal
Reflections
1. Recall the last power struggle that you have observed.
Did the teacher use the skills and processes recommended in the Chapter?
2. Reflect on the classes that you have observed that seem to
be conflict-free. What did the teacher do to promote this condition?
Conversely, reflect on those classes that seemed to be mired in conflict on a
regular basis. What did the teacher do to contribute to the situation?
Chapter
Activities
1. In small groups, role play power struggle scenarios. Have
one member of the group take the role of the student who is trying to hook the
teacher into a power struggle, and one member take the role of the teacher who
is trying to guide the interaction to a positive outcome. It will be helpful to
pay attention to the steps suggested by Curwin and Mendler on page --.
Some possible power struggle scenarios:
- Student refuses to hand over
an i-pod or cell phone (when there is a no electronics policy in the
class).
- Student decides to insult the
teacher in front of the class.
- Student refuses to do work,
or line up
- Student refuses to put away
their materials
After the role play, have all members of the group discuss
what they would have done, and whether they felt the intervention of the member
taking the role of the teacher was effective and why.
2. The next time someone initiates conflict with you, see if
you can apply the skills outlined in the win-win conflict resolution on page
--. Then reflect on the difference it makes in coming to a constructive
outcome.
3.
Conduct a web-quest related to conflict resolution
programs. In your search engine, put in the words, “conflict resolution”
“school-wide” or “classroom” explore some of the sites that outline successful
programs. What do you find that these
programs have in common?
4.
In your group role play the following conflict
resolution situations. Choose either the elementary or secondary scenario. Pick
on member of your group to be the teacher and two others to be students.
Elementary
Student A
comes to you and tells you that student B has been pushing them. Student A is
crying. Student B quickly comes up to
your desk and tells you that student A was pushing them too. Help guide the
students through a conflict resolution process.
Secondary
As you
approach one group in your class you can see that they are off track. Student A
tells you that student B is not doing their job in the project. Student B says
that they are doing what they were told to do earlier, but now the group is
changing their minds. Student A laments that Student B is going to cost them a
good grade, and has been misrepresenting what they said. Student B, is getting
defensive and threatens to give up and let the other do their part. Help guide
the students through the conflict to a more productive and amicable place.
References
Bluestien. J. (1999) 21st century discipline. Fearon Teacher Aids.
Drew, N (2002) Hope and Healing: Peaceful Parenting in an
Uncertain World. Citadel Press.
Gordon. T
(2006) Teacher Effectiveness Training.
Gordon Publishing International.
Myers,
Tolle, Eckhart (1999) The
Power of Now. Namaste Publishing,